Guilty

Well, I hate to admit this...but now, over a month later...I still feel really guilty for the way I reacted at my Brother In Law and Sister In Law's wedding. I'm really trying to let it go, b/c there's absolutely nothing I can do now, it's all said and done and we've made up and everything, but it doesn't help the fact that I feel like now I'm the one who kind of acted like an idiot.

So...what happened for those of you not in the know? Well, to make a long story short, I was told I couldn't go with the wedding party when they went to take pictures. I really wanted to be with my husband since he was a groomsman and I took this as kind of a personal slap in the face, cried about it pretty much the whole day, and didn't really participate in the wedding at all after I was told this.

After the wedding hoopla was all said and done, I found out it wasn't related to me, but instead, everyone, and while I never totally understood the reasoning behind it, I felt better knowing that it wasn't because of something I did personally.

However, knowing this now, I have this pit of guilt in my stomach because I can't believe how I reacted. I acted like a little girl and I hate when I let stupid stuff like that get to me. Like I said, I know it's done and over now and Emily and I have made up...but I still kind of regret my actions. Partly because Emily is now my sister (and she will be the only sister I ever have, unless my brother decides he likes girls) and I don't feel as close to her as I did before the whole situation blew up. Before, I really felt like I had a sister, something I've never had before. We were really close and I hate that it was partly my fault that I messed that up. I know that things will more than likely return to normal later, but I know now that if I hadn't over-reacted, the relationship wouldn't have been strained in the first place.

What really started my guilty feelings again was I saw that Emily had posted a few more pics from the wedding on her Facebook account. All the sudden, these stupid feelings I had had before, started rushing back. At the time, I was so upset that I didn't even care about their first dance, the cutting of the cake, and all those special events that I see on a daily basis for other people. This time it was for someone I knew and cared about and at the time....I didn't want to particpate. I wanted nothing to do with it. Now, looking back, I wished I'd seen all this stuff first hand, instead of only getting to see it through pictures.

At the time that all this occured, someone told me that not letting me come with them might be an action that Emily regretted. And in reality, I think she did. At least from what I can gauge from the converstaion that we had right after this event took place. (I still feel bad for her saying that she felt like she ruined the family...she most certainly didn't...and I hope she realizes that now.) But now, I regret my actions too. This will be one of those regrets in my life that I'll never get to take back. I acted childish and as expected, it backfired in my face. My only hope is that I can learn to forgive myself for acting like a baby. But as I've learned from other things, forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do in your life.

But what I want the most is to have my sister back.

Pic of us before all the hoopla: